I use to pray you would hold on

Author: Shexpeare /

August seventh......

"Stop reading. It's just going to piss you off. You are just going to think I'm trying to make you feel guilty.
Maybe I am.
I have written in this space, at least ten times tonight. And everytime, I erase and erase and erase. Because nothing seems quite right. Nothing could fit my mood right now. I sat staring at my ceiling. Wondering why I was so pissed. Why it mattered so much. And why I couldn't just go to sleep. I couldn't. Just not right now.
I suppose it was just because- all day I cared. All day I worried, and loved, and hoped you were okay. But all caring did was get me in trouble. I called all day.
Just checking on you. Just hoping to help. Are you okay? Do you need anything? I love you.
Over kill I suppose. Over kill. Totally. I understand. You're stressed. I'm annoying. Sorry. But still. I feel a little rejected, and a little like
I wasted my thoughts."

i would never pick

Author: Shexpeare /

I miss blogging. I don't do it as often anymore. It is kinda sad....
UEA has been very interesting, but I have done a whole lot of nothing. It was what I needed though. Just a break from the world. It has been nice. And I'm glad it isn't over yet.

how it is - how it should be..What happens next?

Author: Shexpeare /

I have been home from Shakespeare for a week now... and things still don't feel the same.
Some things are better, but most things are worse.
After having so much excitment, joy, and.. ACTING for three days straight I all of a sudden have the urge to drop out of high school and just MOVE to hollywood and SLEEP MY WAY UP!! Okay- we all know I would NEVER actually do that. But I also have the desire to NOT go to college and just ACT! But I can't do that either because it is so..... stupid. Not socially acceptable as smart. And just, not a good idea.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want to.
It's sad because I look at people who want to do that and I think they are stupid. I'm stupid.
Lately... I just want to be an actress.
Leave me alone.
I want that exciting schedule, to be with people I love twenty four hours a day (Hahah, I kinda have that "doobie") and ... the... fame of it all? Well, that doesn't sound right. But the feeling of being successful at something I love. And being recognized for it.
I love that. I want to do something as an actress to grow again! I really feel like I have learned a lot from this experience.
I know it is childish...
But I want to take my dreams, and run free.

leaving not forever

Author: Shexpeare /

We are going to SUU tomorrow! I'm so excited! I hope I get to see everyone down there.
Yes that means you.
Anyway- I am really excited, before I was like "blah" but now I can't even stay still! It is going to be SOOO MUCH FUN! WOOOOOOOO!!!
Anyway, I will probably blog from down there, JUST BECAUSE I CAN!

Good luck to everyone!

hey look it's CLAUDDDIOOO!!!

Yeah, I pretty much love her.

How I feel.

Author: Shexpeare /

I'm tired. But I don't feel like going to bed quite yet. I feel sick to my stomach. All day I've just had this weird feeling.
I don't feel good.
I feel nervous.
Perhaps disappointed. I feel like something is missing. I thought I had filled that void long ago but it is still there. Sad, disappointed everytime you aren't there. Everytime it isn't there. It misses things and people.
I feel like doing something. I feel like listening to a certain song. I feel like hugging a certain person. I feel like accomplishing a certain something. I'm just not sure what I want to do, or what song, or who, or which goal. I just know I have this NEED and I'm not sure how to fill it. I don't know what it is I want. I feel used. Abused. Just there for your enjoyment.
I don't like that. I feel like I should let go of some people, and fight for others. I want you to sing for me.

I feel like conference was awesome. The last session I didn't hear much of, which is disappointing. But I still really enjoyed the last two days. I feel encouraged.

So in the end, I'll be what I will be.

Author: Shexpeare /

We are lost.